mydiary

i have friends. i have friends and i saw them last night!

i have like…6 friends!! sure two are moving to england one is moving to japan one is spending the summer in boston and one is spending the summer in pennsylvania…but i still have like, one friend!!! 

sometimes i hyperventilate and pass out, like an hour ago. it’s cool. i can breathe. i’m going to africa tomorrow. it’s fine. i’m okay with that. i can go to africa, and not have a single moment alone for three weeks, and have to try new foods even though the foods i already eat terrify me. i’ll be okay. 

i’m good. i’m fine. i’m breathing. 

i just keep glancing at my suitcase. fuck. fuck fuck. fuck. 

so i’m going to get a bagel today, and pizza today. i need to. that’s 800 calories plus whatever my mom cooks for dinner.

dinner last night was good but i’m sure my mom was a little disappointed in how much i ate, because i ate a quarter cup of carrots and a half of a potato. but i did eat enough yesterday.

which is probably why i’m 120 lbs. 120 120 120 120…five pounds MORE THAN my recorded high weight. and i don’t have to poop so no that isn’t it. i want to diee it’s fine.

well, it’s wednesday.

maybe hang out with conor today, get my hair cut, finish my laundry and packing.

i don’t want to go to africa. like, at all. 

blacked out because can’t breathe. fml.

loki-recovery:

mydeepdarks:

not hospital though. no dollars for hospital. 

:( emergency room?

insurance has a hundred dollar co-pay and doesn’t cover additional tests the ER has to do. plus they’d be like “come back for consult, and don’t do anything stressful” and i’d be like “i’m going to africa in a few days, and can’t afford to come back anyway”

literally every time i blink a minute or so goes by. i think i’m dying. 

blacked out because can’t breathe. fml.

not hospital though. no dollars for hospital. 

so much stuff on my mind

haven’t been breathing well the last few days - it feels like i have a yawn stuck. my mom thinks it’s anxiety.

hey so i’m fighting with how to behave with my grandfather. he’s in his seventies, and he is dying because he has poor circulation, poor breathing, can’t walk, can’t do anything himself, and issues with basically all his organs. he has all those things because he’s fat. he’s fat because he won’t stop eating, and sometimes he literally is unhealthy to spite us for trying to keep him healthy. we’ve had to hide all the snacks in the house, and limit the food that’s out in the open because he ate a TRAY of corn muffins in his sleep last night. he’s impolite and impossible to handle sometimes, but that’s the least of it. because he eats so much, it’s hard for him to move, and it hurts. because it’s difficult and painful, he makes me get the phone for him in lieu of stepping literally, and i mean LITERALLY one foot to his left to get it from the table that he is literally leaning on at the time. because of that, i’m frustrated with him, and talk to him about healthier eating, or i turn down soda requests and stuff. because of that, he is upset with me, so he’s either stressed enough to stress eat, angry enough to spite-eat, or upset enough to eat in the night or in his sleep. the fridge is open all night and it beeps and drives me nuts. it’s made eating a thing to be embarrassed of in this house, and literally every time i want a few oreos and have to go to the basement fridge in the back room to get it, it makes me think twice as to how bad i want an oreo - like it wasn’t already killing me. it’s made it almost impossible to eat healthy amounts, or even just normal amounts in this house because a. eating is embarrassing and b. we literally can’t keep much food in the house. my aunt bought me girlscout cookies, my FAVORITE, and i left them in the cabinet at eleven at night. i went for one at eight the next morning and instead of a full box, there were two. 

i want, so badly, to sit him down and be like HEY LISTEN WE BOTH HAVE EATING DISORDERS. HERE’S HOW I’M GETTING THROUGH MINE. DO IT. but i can’t because i’m ashamed and the only person who knows is my mom. but i feel bad saying i resent my grandpa for not getting better because either he should get better or i should be allowed to get worse. 

geez my breathing is making me black out a little every time i move. um.

it’s okay. if i’m desperate there’s tanks of oxygen for my grandpa downstairs. 

i shouldn’t complain so much, today was great. mike and jesse slept over last night and we saw avengers again this morning - fantastic, again. and our conversations ranged from awesome to inappropriate to strangely intelligent and political, which was really nice. 

then i had dinner with JUST my mom and brother, for a change, which was lovely, and we also talked about a lot of stuff. the stuff we used to talk about at dinner before my grandpa moved in, and before my mom’s boyfriend stayed for dinners. political, intelligent, religious, informed conversation. it always makes me feel better about my mom talking to her about stuff like that NOT around her boyfriend, because she tends to agree with him if just to shut him up. but with just me and taylor she is more open and willing to discuss instead of listen to her bf preach. it was really great. 

tomorrow i’m marching into my old high school, because the brilliant and amazing teacher who took over my post as LMTI advisor at GRHS was kicked off TI and off of his ‘awesome club’ which is technically a ti event - where every friday after school until eight or nine kids can stay in his classroom and play magic or yugioh or super smash bros and they watch movies and did a secret santa and do all kinds of great, nerdy, natural high things instead of going out and drinking. it’s all because he gave some kids running an assassins game his classroom to pick names, and two boys took it too far and then blamed that teacher for the whole thing, even though he didn’t even help plan the game. that teacher is the best thing to happen to that school since mr. whittemore and it’s not okay with me that he’s not running LMTI anymore. I’m going to fix it. 

the vp of the high school is still a little scared of me from when i fought him to keep LMTI running my sophomore year. the 22 other students and the 1 adviser who came to camp with me all dropped out, and lmti was literally just me for a while, so the school wanted to shut down the program. i met with everyone, and fixed it, but it took a lot of terrifying the vice principal, who is a tiny, over-tanned man who will probably look even tinier since i haven’t seen him in three years. he’s a jerk, but he can get things done if you can make him agree to it. LMTI is my baby at that school. i got it from just ME to a group of 30 kids in just two years, and it’s stayed there since i left. and EVERY time we lose an adviser, the school decides to shut it down. Not gonna happen. Not when I still come back to glen rock.

so, i really don’t want to go to south africa, but in four days, i’m going to south africa! goddamnit. it’s not even real. i just don’t want to go. i have some friends going, and stuff is better between one friend and i so i’m glad he’s ended up on the same trip as me after all, but i still don’t want to go. it’s going to be cold and rainy and miserable and lonely. and i can’t even self harm there because i can’t bring anything pointy with me, but i WILL be eating small-village-sized portions every day, and i can’t eat spicy so i won’t be able to eat a lot of things. so it’ll be two weeks, MAYBE 1200 cal a day. that, i can handle. especially since i’ll be hiking from hostels and walking the village and walking the cities and going to museums where i’ll walk…i expect to lose at least five but at most ten pounds on this trip. idk if that’s good or bad but i do know i hallucinated smaller numbers on my scale the other day and had to triple check. my brain literally tried to protect me from knowing i’m above and beyond my high weight. 

wow i’m really dizzy. i’m gonna go. night tumblr. 

edits

i want to kiss him with tongue and then hear his heart beating under me and fall asleep and wake back up and kiss him again. i want to feel naked in clothes and safe naked. i want to bite a lip and not be sure which of ours it is. i want to leave smelling like him, and smell my shirt an hour later when i’m feeling sad and lonely, and have it still smell like him and not feel sad or lonely anymore. i want to have sex, and have the important part be not whether we made love or fucked, but that we both laughed instead of being embarrassed as we cleaned up afterwards. i want to wear his shirt with leggings and sandals to go get coffee in the morning. i want to forget if i’m wearing makeup or if it came off in the shower when we kissed and laughed and changed the water temperature together. i want to sleep so soundly in his arms at night that i’m not sure if i slept or dreamed or snored, and am not sure how it’s been hours since he was kissing my forehead. i want to think about going out for dinner, but instead order chinese and sit in bed watching stupid sci-fi shows and trying not to make more of a mess of the bed while we eat. i want to read together, and swap books when we’re done. i want to give him a backrub and then smile pleadingly until i get one, too. i want to cry when it’s time to go, and not have it be stupid. 

Anonymous asked: can you take a full body picture of yourself, as of right now? and what grade are you in?

I am not in a grade. I’m going into my last year of college. I’m 21. And I cant look in a mirror at my body so no I will not share a picture.

nobody likes me, i am gross and stupid and ugly and fat, i won’t be an lmti cat this year because my interview went bad, and i’m going to spend my life alone looking at tumblr and wishing somebody would kiss my face.